I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
