ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
