I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
