dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
