Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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