Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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