he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
foreskin is a definite game changer
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
