i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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