I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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