he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My life is pants optional.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
