i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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