I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
