Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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