TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
