so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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