I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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