Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
