I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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