I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
