Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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