Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Life is so much better after having sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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