This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
