The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My liver just had a heart attack.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
