We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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