whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
