College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
