she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
