I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
