i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize