When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
