His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
