bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
