Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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