Jerry, you need to find god
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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