Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
