I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
