she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize