I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
