guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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