My first STD was from a foam party
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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