when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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