He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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