five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
