They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
