The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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