I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
