if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
