does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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