Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
