So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you win again, gameday.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
