I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
