What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
