Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
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