I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
