i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We need to rekindle our bromance
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
