just come out here and I will go home with you...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
