woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
