That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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