did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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