I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
