i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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