I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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