Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
