i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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