The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
